Thoughts of you

thagreenethruth777

When I think of you I Smile.

When I think of you my heart beats a million times in one beat.

When I think of youI break into a cold sweat on a winter’s day.

When I think of you they stop and stand incredulous.

When I Think of how far we’ve come I Can write anthologies of our love story.
When I think of you I Can hear my heart beating in rhythm to your name.
It’s also funny how the years have gone by, yet the memories of our first meet and greet still linger nostalgically and still vivid like sand through the hour glass.

Funny how much I know you,yet you still leave me in irrevocable awe.Funny how after all these years when I think of you my smile is still the same.

It’s funny how I sniffle when I hear your first petname.

I still think…

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Back to Basics


Colbin Greene…..¶resents
BACK TO BASICS.
From that first gasp of breath ,we are loved and complimented for our raw and innocent beauty.No matter the circumstances of our birth or the emotions our unexpected arrival evoke.Our safe arrival onto this earth remains a debt owed to our heroic mothers.Whom it is unto we look for love and validation.It is unto them we belong.Psychology never loved the budding mind of a growing child.Be it a difference in ; gender,ethnicity, social standing or creed,a remarkable calculation of us suffer from the same ailment,a sense to belong.

May it be the basic surroundings or daily occurrences that slap us with the conformations of the ideology of living.How our differences turn us into our own worst enemies. The subliminal scourge of this psychological trauma we find ourselves having to endure day in and day out.We search far and wide for that coveted sense of belonging which no less than often leads us into a route of self-destruction. We hanker for that tag which ties us to a particular class,clique or social circle.So much so- that we lose our self worth on our persuit to belong. 

Often the words”they bought this,they have this,I don’t have that,I am not that” ring in our minds.How the average soul prefers the idea of fitting in, and succumbing to social norms and its endless conventions. Today’s man relishes the idea of acceptance which in-turn comes with the false sense of belonging. Wasn’t it José Ortega y Gasset ,who dared to be different”I am me and my circumstance” a man who lived according to his own unwritten and nonconformist rules,Who can forget Søren Aabye Kierkegaard and his unblushing reservation of the monkey see-monkey do tendency.

The rate at which humanity goes to finding a home to belong ruffles the feathers of my flailing heart.To the extant that we find ourselves in bad relationships,embroiled in irrevocable turmoil ;How we settle for substandard relations filled in unrequited appreciation and all for what? just so we can forge some false claim of belonging to somebody?  The bravest are those stuck in both emotionally and physically unfulfilling relationships all in aid of keeping loneliness at bay.

Taking more than what a heart can digest while the better part of the crop claims invincibility, as the essence of their being and every stitch of their self worth erodes in effort to keep the fires of these one sided unions burning; where is the inner peace, self love and most of all self sufficiency ; What is this sense of belonging, is it so important that we relentlessly go out of our way fumbling around and bashing our heads into brick walls to attain it?

The potentially insurmountable emotional ruin we encounter -enroute to attaining it ,seldomly ever makes up for the bit we might, by any stroke of luck come into. What happened to the nobility and the sentimentality of the assurance we thrived on, in our tender years? The time when our mothers’ love and last word on any matter cemented unshakeable- affirmation,including issues of our identity. What happened along the thorny route into adulthood to trivialise those values we were once receiptively spoonfed?

We knock on every door, hoping the next one will be last we will ever knock on.A conducive and stable homelife served as a deep seated and integral anchor for most of us growing up ,yet those core building blocks have long tumbled down.From those battling issues of identity, sexual orientation. Dear reader -please allow me to delve into this particular subject for a moment.we often we hear of teenage boys and girls struggling with acceptance of their queer selves which in more  than a few cases has lead into heart-wrenching attempts or full on successful suicides.

When the attempt to fit into our judgemental societies fails, all we have left is blame of the harsh sieve of society. How the desperate need recoil into acceptable self-versions sends these drifting souls into self-cannibalisation missions. The -psychological hurt our society inflicts on those it deems its social outcasts multiplies alarmingly so ; Goth, stoners, the underground club,punk rockers,geeks,queer crew . In as much as society labels these individuals of who befit the description it’s their bravery to be a standalone that remains commendable. 

From an objective point of view, an unbiased two cents’ worth ,fitting in is nothing but a glorifying moment for those with little individuality or lack thereof. Often when the question would you feel complete alone or simply in a pair? Is asked, the most notable response which is no less than the usual shock is that “I’d rather be complete with somebody than being on my own” , now belonging to somebody or being the face of conformity is not in any stretch of this discussion wrong.

The problem or should I suggest the common mistake we as individuals fall prey to is seeking solace in the next person. The time invested in appeasing the next person for their half-reciprocated affection does not measure up to  an ounce they would invest in us should the roles be reversed. We tend to overstretch ourselfves tyring to please people to gain favour ,while forgetting we were birthed onto this earth individully.

The persuit of that coveted blanket of belonging which later stifles us, when we can nolonger keep up with the pretence the-pressure of social acceptance carries in its back pocket. When the bold letters on that stamp of approval wear off and the demise to your 15 minutes of acceptance inevitably slaps you in the face what do you have left?  Unlike our movies life has no false sense of security which is later soothed by that coherent climax,you either are secured or exposed.So my dear reader  ; Are you a deeply rooted standalone, the courageous rebel with course or a drifting plastic looking pole to rest? 

facts of him

He’s simply so
He’s simply so best

He’s lovely yet cranky on occasion

He spins my world 360
He’s fun, I’m fun when he’s present

We are both goofy and idiotic on cue

He fills my world with perpetual bliss

Raw laughter follows me when he’s present
I want to strangle him on occasion-
Yet embrace him for life in the next

He’s simply so….

“Dear father I have a confession to make”

He’s simply the love of my life,dare I gush.

“I Can’t belive i just said that”

Damn I gAt it bad…

He’s no stranger to my world

He knows all the shortcuts to my happines-

Yes he does..

He’s a frequent guest in my mind

A resident in my thoughts

In his presence i stand like the naked truth

“Take me as i am “they say

He knew me as i was and still loves me the way i am.

He’s silly, yet loveable in more ways than one.

A firm grip yet the gentlest of hearts

And oceans of love…
I’m also a resident in his heart

A brave explorer of his world

My school yard crush

My everyday crush

He’s simply the best

And I simply just Love him…..

country boy….

 

imtearages.jpg

I met a boy

I met boy from nowhere

A boy so simple

Hello,my name is Dumakude and I love you

“Boy please you ain’t my type”

Little did I know,what lay before my very eyes would later consume me.

I met a rare find of a boy

“Love knows no class,commonality nor cultural barriers” whispered the voice within

“Hush now,it’s not time to give the best of me” coached the other

I met a boy who loved me I saw a cloud of mist on a hot summer’s day

A boy who handled me with care, a boy of full grip on the reigns of his emotions

A boy whose kisses went beyond down low and tickled my rigid heart walls

A boy of outlandish enrapture

The insurmountable, unsurpassed glamazon along with my untainted Alter-ego ,yes that’s me

Who the fuck does this boy think he is?   I’ll tell you, he’s the boy who wore his heart on his sleeve and bore his soul out.

Oh yes ,I met an unconventional Zulu boy who wasn’t on my stoep

A boy who gut-wrenchingly broke my trust vase with harsh intonation

You see its no joke,birds do fly off and feathers are all you have have left when they do,man I should’ve held on

Gosh u spineless motherfucker who do you think you are?

“I’m all things wonderful and serendipitous and foreign to that  hard worn out exterior you have worn your whole life”

He showed me patience

Whoa,wait a minute Romeo-

You met a boy who no longer had time for you,yes you did

Holly crap! how many voices are in my head,how many of us are having this conversation? shut up and let me tell you

Yes I did damnit I did ! his actions give a loud emphatic meaning to a repetition of history

Yet he’s still the boy I want to strangle and burry his ass along with the castaways and those gone but not forgotten Titanic victims

Wailing voices and muffled screams as I curl up into my foetal position in the dark, yet comfortable corner bawling my eyes out.Chilling with delirium, hysteria and anxiety along with that bitch called ambivalence……….

Hey bhuti ! > you imbecile, its me

Screaming my guts out ;straining my epiglottis ,I’m a mess,I’m in shambles,I’m a wrecking ball,I’m an out of balance pendulum.. Oh Lord catch me! This thing call Lovë,while I tumble into a screeching halt,Ground slaps….

Ddddead silence,dead stillness- I feel the wind hit my face it’s like a reprimandatory slap,so quiet I can hear my own heart rate pounding away to the top of my feelings

It’s you,yes you

Hello-Hi,excuse me

I’m that simple boy too,yet unconventional

We may not be two sides of the same coin

But I met you and I love  you

And you Loved me.

 

Oh! Sullen child

Oh! sullen child.

Dare I cry oh! sullen child

Somebody pulled a rug from right under

Head in first you fall
You have been dragged to the innermost centre of a love circle

An entrapment one rarely escapes unbitten

Oh! sullen child I see the bottomless pit of your anguish

You lay there still,dry as a bone

As I watch the shadow of your has-been enrapture morph away

I witness your tear drenched pillow every morning

I see you walk

I hear you talk

And with prudent observation I hear your loud,yet inaudible wail

I see the unrest your volatile emotions bring unto you

I see how you’ve come to wear your heart on your sleeve at no absolute gain

Who knew the conflict of two hearts would prove so ferocious

 From the  inevitable side to side sway

To that chill spreading swing on that almost yanked off chandelier

Back and forth you go until all sensibility exceeds- what proves sane freezes into a soft ,cold blur

As your relentless desperate attempt to strike a steady pace to keep scaling the stakes the armour of your pride is prepared to carry you

You pick yourself up as well as the broken pieces of promise

 Oh! sullen child of pure heart, with your obliterated Bengal -tiger strength you rise.

While the shouts of your endless decelerations of love echo away into the dark pits of  unrequited love ,you see hope in a lost battle.

Oh! sullen child this is no kaleidoscope view,strain those filters of false promise and hope

This is a mirror image of the wondered upon would’ve been’s of the half lived past

Those midnight confessions of where supposed love would take you

Those thousand mile walks to the secret meeting place.

Seasons that bore no fruit

 You wrack your brain about the could’ve,the would’ve been,and the should’ve beens of the past ,that should’ve been but never became

Oh! sullen child come into a screeching halt, behold ,for what lies before you is the reflection of your yester-fears of the unknown

The harbouring of secrets that control the almost tasted,glanced upon future

While your wandering heart lurks in the cold

Watch the rain fall child, ease your anguish stricken heart into its rhythmic pitter-patter as it pelts

Free yourself from the curses of the heart

Let it wash away all that clotted up despair

Release all the knotted up feelings of languish.

Free the doves of your devotion

watch your embryonic stage to freedom come full 360

 

“Better to have loved and lost,that to never have loved much at all”

Yes-innumerably so they may have lied, but somewhere in there lies the last vestige of the truth

Like the rainbow after a thunder bolting storm

The coveted light at the end of the tunnel

The flamed phoenix

You shall rise and once again soar

Oh! sullen child

Be still my sullen child

Weep nomore

For solace is yet to descend.

penny for your thoughts

They say it’s like a mirror, once broken its hard to fix,those who know better make an equal comparison to spilt milk.How the nobility of human trust has shriveled up and died,how people lie and deceive one another like it’s the new fashion.

How everyone competes with their friends on how many hearts they have crushed,is the deceit and all these transgressions we impose on one another all worth the pain we witness in the eyes of the victims we violate day in day out? We live in a world enveloped in treachery and pain inflicted by our very own- A world where those you trust to have your best interest no -longer see the worth of your happiness.

Ladies and gentlemen and victims of this God forsaken world, we live in a poisoned world full misdeeds that turn us into these angry ,acrimonious beings scavenged by this monstrous creature called anger ,a creature that devours our souls and strips us off our innocence.

In a sense of semantics the raw truth is that,most people live to hurt those who have hurt them.Basic mathematical rule for analytical thinkers is that what must be done on the left must be done on the right ;now ladies and gentlemen and you those who drench their pillows in tears,are we in the wrong by wanting to reciprocate the hurt that boils the edges of your heart and numbs your brain ,bringing it to a screeching halt?

They say two wrongs don’t make a right and those who go to church believe in that sanctimonious oversold belief that God always does justice to the weak,how those who end up with the power are those who have to eventually grant forgiveness, wasn’t it some “smart ass” guy who dared to say “forgiveness is for the weak”, how is that we tend to gravitate towards those who disregard and treat us with the utmost contempt and the extremes we go to patronise them into believing they can’t hurt us? only for them to strike one silly nerve and like a stack of jenga pieces we tumble to the ground.

Ladies and gents and you who wail and question your importance to the almighty,those who kneel before the cross until your kneecaps go numb and green from the praying,do you strongly believe in justice for the weak? do you in all the names of the saints from above believe the universe looks out for one of its own? If you do I will leave my details at the bottom for a continuation of this discussion.

Most may be shocked at my critique of the universe and my unshakeable doubt of the human forgiving nature,how people can thrash you and then smile at you at the same time, that guy or girl you once trusted and held the torch for,do you remember how that same torch ended up burning your hands? Who takes care of the vanquished, broken hearts that suffered at the hands of this world’s ruthless? who strokes their cheek and kisses their forehead to soothe their ruffled feathers after a rude awakening?

I have been accused of being personal in my pieces but how can one unravel the truth that haunts most individuals, kill them with kindness they say, smile and keep them confused.

Ladies and gentlemen and you lost child writhing in pain after he unexpectedly kicked u in the stomach, after you ducked from his rock of fist.How long will it take before you realise the facade and keeping up of appearances is a clear indication that you’re still under their thumb? still in that prison of hurt and you just haven’t realised it.

Lies,violation,deceit,disillusionment,hurt whether in word or deed is still hurt,betrayal and pretence, which in its worst form is having a trusted one smile at you while they have buried you alive ,watched you squirm and gasp for air.

Then we have our “12 steps into freedom from anger” books, amazing how most flock to those corner bookshops to purchase such books,only to wrap them up as Christmas presents to their in laws,because nothing can ever free you from the savagery a heart has endured.I personally go there for the free coffee and WiFi.

Observantly speaking we tend relinquish our power and then give into the desire or rarther the need to show our -transgressors that” we are fine” ,undefeated and in turn forgetting to focus on nursing ourselves back into our former glory. How we would rather overlook something than to deal with it head-on,how we fail to confront the pain and let it manifest with an influx of subsequent emotions.

what is true healing if you can’t admit you want to break his neck in three different places,make small cuts in his body and pour acid into those wounds- a few reenactments form “I spit in your grave” would prove just as effective.Anger that is allowed to come out and play subsides and fades overtime.Ladies and gents and people of “faith” atleast be honest with your yourselves .The broken child inside you deserves it.

Thoughts of you

When I think of you I Smile.

When I think of you my heart beats a million times in one beat.

When I think of youI break into a cold sweat on a winter’s day.

When I think of you they stop and stand incredulous.

When I Think of how far we’ve come I Can write anthologies of our love story.

When I think of you I Can hear my heart beating in rhythm to your name.
It’s also funny how the years have gone by, yet the memories of our first meet and greet still linger nostalgically and still vivid like sand through the hour glass.

Funny how much I know you,yet you still leave me in irrevocable awe.Funny how after all these years when I think of you my smile is still the same.

It’s funny how I sniffle when I hear your first petname.

I still think of you when I see open grasslands.

When I think of you I’m glad I can sing Adele’s”when we were young” with an envelope of bittersweet memories.God forbid should I sing Katy Perry’s”the one that got away”.

When I think of you I wana jump like the Masai Mara and chant like the Loxians, for my love for you is transcendental.

When I think of your love for me could I write your name on every star.

When I think of you i wanna chuckle and purr like happy kitten high on catnap.

When I think of you I wana draw butterflies with my big toe and blush until my cheeks turn purple.

When I think of how stupidity and inefficiency turns into humour in your company it’s a comforting thought.

when the world shuts its doors you open your heart and embrace me for a minute.

when the cold blasts my frail body you thaw me out.

When I think of you I smile without veneer.

When I think of you I can run a race against the Devil for your heart.

When I think of you I feel love.

When I think of you all is well.

when I think of you all is silent and tranquil.

When I think of you I smile.